2006 11: Victim heals after journey of failed relationships

The Star online. News. Opinion. Sunday November 19, 2006

CASE 3

NEXT year will mark a milestone for Chow Li Fern. The 32-year-old is planning to marry her boyfriend of six years.

It wasn’t easy to reach this stage, as she had to undergo years of frustration to deal with incidents in her childhood.

She was 10 at the time and her father was suffering from nose cancer and had to stay in hospital many times. When her mother was out tending to her father, Li Fern stayed at home with her two younger brothers.

The neighbour’s son, who was three years older, made approaches to Li Fern.

He would make sure they were alone and would start molesting her. This went on for more than a year and then he started having sexual intercourse with her.

“He told me not to worry and that it would not hurt. He also said that he liked me and everybody was doing it. But it was uncomfortable,” she said.

It was only after she read a book that she realised what had happened.

“I went through a stage of denial. I believed something was very wrong with me as I wasn’t sure if he did it to others,” said Li Fern.

And she couldn’t tell her mother who had worries of her own.

She said she tried fighting with the neighbour’s son, but it just got worse. Violence was involved and her nightmare only ended when her father got better and they moved away.

In secondary school, Li Fern had many friends but there was always a distance in the relationship.

“I come from a family that preached love and trust. When someone in my life broke that trust, I was confused,” she said.

Li Fern then started having relationships with boys but they were always short-lived.
“I thought I didn’t deserve love and care. I would just quit and go into the next relationship,” said Li Fern, who has had seven boyfriends.

Her relationships gradually improved although not much intimacy was involved. But things changed when she was almost raped by a stranger.

“The incidents when I was younger came back. I felt anger and guilt. It was an intense kind of trauma and depression set in,” she said.

A car accident followed. She survived it and realised she had to do something about her life and coping skills.

“I read a lot about abuse and forgiveness and I also went to Taiwan where I attended a workshop. I met many others like me and this helped me overcome my own guilt,” she said.
Her current boyfriend also helped her.

“He didn’t ask many questions. He treated me as a normal person and not as a victim. And I told the 10-year-old me that it was not her fault,” she said.

She even met her childhood tormentor three years ago at her parents’ place.

“I was relieved to see him. I forgave him and I believe he is sorry for what he has done.

Forgiving him does not mean what he did was right. I forgave him because I don't want to suffer anymore,” said Li Fern, who is a social worker and volunteers part-time at the Lifelong Learning Organisation.